On Happiness & Friendship (or lack thereof)

"You had to do someone else
Then you should be by yourself
Instead of here with me."

Secretly - Skunk Anansie

I've been avoiding blog of mine from quite sometime. Too many words I've written here reminds me of her and I haven't been ever to get myself to accept that she's with someone else. At least she's happy. But what about me? Don't I deserve to be happy too? Forgive me for being selfish but every time I hear some news about you from our common friends I can't help but wonder... was I the one who fucked up our relationship? But then again that's just me being bitter. Damn! We could've worked it out, instead we both chickened out. Maybe we aren't really supposed to be together. I just hope we both made the right decision cause it would really suck if we didn't. It's getting harder for me to just ignore you since we have the same circle of friends and I do see most of them constantly. I don't know if they do it on purpose but they have the uncanny ability to torment me by reminding me of you making every conversation awkward and unpleasant. Fuck! This is really beginning to annoy me.

Lets go to sleep for the better half of the year, I think we deserve it more than anyone.

"And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving"

The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

It's weird that I'm back here blogging. I took me a while to figure out my password. It's been like 2 years and a couple of months since my last entry here. I don't know what prompted me to go back here and write. Maybe because with my recent break-up with someone has a lot to do with it or I'm just really really bored and fed up with everyone else or I'm just really nostalgic and Tumblr just ain't gonna cut it (yeah, I'd go for the latter).

Yeah! I broke up with my girlfriend recently. And some of our friends keep bugging me with all these stupid questions why we broke up. We just mutually agreed that I wasn't working out for us anymore. Long-distance relationships really do kill. The paranoia, the sleepless hours waiting for each other to go online or for them to call (different timezones sucks), you only see each other on holidays or vacations and etc. But still I wasn't the first one to suggest that we go our separate ways. When this came up on one of our chats online I thought that she was just messing with my head. But she was dead serious about it. After many arguments over the years and my infidelity (yes I cheated on her once!) that we would come to this point. But fact of the matter I think maybe in my subconscious I was just asking for this. We drifted apart over the 2 years that she was in Seattle. I think that this must be the best thing we could do. When our friends found out what happened they were like: "WTF! Are you guys serious? I thought you two were going to get married next year?" So what if we broke up? It's not like it's gonna affect your lives. What Tin and I had was special and I admit that I still love her but I am not gonna stay in this relationship if it's just gonna destroy us in the process. So I don't give a fuck what everyone thinks. Am I sad? Who wouldn't be? I must be either made of stone or just plain retarded if I didn't feel a bit sad about this whole thing. But enough of that. I am running out of beer and braincells to write so I'm going to sleep now.

Disconnect

"You're like a messiah, pal!
Little kingdoms in your chest"

Almost Crimes - Broken Social Scene

Somtimes temptation can get the best of me or you.
Let's face it. We aren't perfect beings.

A friend once said that someone who will cheat on her/his boy/girlfriend just to be with you will, sooner or later, cheat on you too...


But why do we do this?
Do we do this just to get some kind of a refresh in our mundane lives?
To be with someone new? Overcome by some fleeting emotion [or sensation]
Lust? Insecurities? Amusement? A miscalculation of our decisions?

Only to find out in the end that everything we did was all for nothing.
And we end up hurting each other.

And it doesn't make sense. Yet we still do it.

And we feel guilty and empty.

Alone.

We do all these stupid things because we couldn't control ourselves...

but all we had to do was control our actions. It's a cliche, I know.

But that my friend is that truth of it all.

Don't Call This A Comeback... It's Just A Recap!

"There's a night life falling down on me
I just feel like a change
Beneath the sun in the summer,
A sea of flowers won't bloom without the rain
But oh, this desert life, this high life
Here at the dying of the day
I wasn't made for this scene baby
But I was made in this scene
And baby, it's just my way
I don't want to go home alone
I wanna come on home to you"

High Life - Counting Crows

It been a while since wrote something in this blog of mine, frankly speaking I have been on hiatus for awhile due to.... well... nothing.

I mean I don't have anything to write about that would be far less interest me in to writing it here until now.

So to make amends for my lack of written material here I'll just make a list of what happened to my pathetic existence from last year until now...

Here it goes [no specific dates and it's not in order]:

1. 2 of my friends died, one was 30+ years old [electrolyte imbalance leading to heart failure] the other was 20+ years old [brain aneurysm] [wow! what a friend! i don't even know their specific ages!], they will be surely missed by family and friends.


2. 2 of my relatives died, [died due to old age the other died due to brain cancer]. Oh well that's life!


3. A friend of mine got fatally stabbed and robbed while commuting to work [he survived and is now having a different point of view in life]. Please! If you look rich, commute like the rich... ride a taxi or something. Public transportation ain't that safe nowadays quite frankly so is private transporation....


4. One of my sisters [i have 3] got married and is now currently living in Philadelphia with his 2 sons [from a previous relationship].


5. A friend of mine opened a successful Internet cafe here in my hometown, which is a place I frequently hang-out or sometimes sleep in.


6. One of my longtime closest friend turned out to be a real fubar! Good riddance! hope you die of cancer!


7. I have given up on re-forming my old band due to personal reasons and frankly speaking it doesn't interest me anymore. It was great! Thanks for the memories! Hope we see again.. in another life.


8. I am still playing online games... I'm currently in RF Online PH Nexus server playing an Accretian Scientist. Damn you fleshies!!!!!


9. I have missed a lot of gigs last year due to the fact that I don't like what's happening in the local music scene... though there are still some local artists that interests me from time to time... Taken By Cars will take you all!!!!!


10. Tin [my girlfriend] went home to the Philippines from Seattle last Xmas vacation to spend time with me! Yey! I love the Warwick Streamer Jazzman 5 string bass she bought me for my gift!


11. Tin cut off my dreadlocks cause she hates it *sob*!


12. My mom travelled overseas [Philly, Florida, and Texas] with my oldest sister to visit relatives and getaway from this 3rd world shithole! They only brought me back a red PSP Slim and couple of shirts, beanie hats, and a pair of shoes that I haven't still worn due to my fondness of wearing slippers.


13. The Black Hand guild was resurrected in RF Online Philippines by new people that we have become friends with for a long time! Kudos to GunCraze, Mp3MatrIx, kusipie, Syclau and ShenLongCustom for keeping the torch alive!


14. I missed the Never The Lifeless album launch by the band Valley of Chrome due to unforeseen circumstances... good luck on fronting for Shadows Falls on their visit here in our country. You show them how "pogi" you are Jethro!


15. I have been plagued by sickness a lot... they say it's due to stress, to me it's just lack of sleep! Hospital beds are like a 2nd home to me nowadays.
16. I suffered another minor heart attack [no surprise there!].
17. I have begun drinking alcohol again [not in large quantities though]. Thanks to my goodfriend Derf!
18. I have 2 new cats! Nergal and Enkidu. Both are strays I found living in our garage.
19. I have enrolled in University of the Philippines Open U system... currently taking an AA course! Don't be late! Let's graduate on 2010! AHAHAHA!
20. I made a Multiply account but didn't write much... I think I only wrote 2 there.
21. I've become more irritable lately... much to the dismay of my friends and family.
22. I'm beginning to feel my age...
23. I have lost my skills in Tekken... I was beaten to a bloody pulp by a gradeschooler in Tekken 6.
24. Been playing Defense of The Ancients a lot! Venomancer, Netherdrake, and Nerubian Assassin are my current favorites.
25. Tin asked me to visit her this year in Seattle [must save money!!! lot's of it!!].
26. I have collected 100+ beanie hats [of different brands and sorts] as I have recentlly discovered while cleaning my room.
27. I still swear! a lot! so f**k you!

Well... that's about it! I hope I wasted your time.

Sensory Deprivation Adventure

I want to live without the guilt we give
I want to die without this pain
I want to live without the guilt we give
I want to die without your name

Trophy Scars - Converge

So busy... fucking busy nowadays! And nowI feel like a vegetable! Work, lack of sleep, constant irritation from people, stupid arguments about smallest things with Tin, are some of the banes of my pathetic existence nowadays...

...I just can't take it anymore!


I'd rather shut myself from the world and bury me in a deep dark hole...

... if only I wasn't claustrophobic!



*Sigh*

Sorry for being short and blunt but... who gives a fuck anywas! I know you don't!
And that's how I feel right now so piss off!

The Future Seems Uncertain

"They would be changed into something
I know
I might saw they were smiling
Can't believe it
Walking freely with the high pride now and on
Keeping eyes on tomorrow"

Anode Ray - Nature Living

I know! I know! I'm a frigid fucktard when it comes to intimate relationships... but what you don't know is that I'm just biding my time for the right moment! Can't rush things with love... yeah right [that's so cheesy]! I think that moment has come...

It's been 3 months since Tin left for Seattle to pursue a career there. And I'm stuck here in this godforsaken wasteland of a country!

Gaah! How I miss her!

I miss her smile, her corny jokes, her infaliable taste in music, the smell of her hair [ahahaha!]...

...I really miss her!

Before she left for the States we promised each other that we would be there for each other in times of utter misery... but at the look of things that seems very uncertain for now.

The past year was very unkind to us, I know, I was there with you.

I hope this year will be very different for the both of us.

I can't predict the future but one thing is clear...

...I love you with all my heart!